It is really hard for two people to live on my salary. Yes, Christian does work part time and the presbytery helps us--I'm not sure what we'd do without those. I don't really know how to do anything that will really increase our income... continue to shop at Aldi's -- yes. And...don't drive the car more than we have to (keeping gas down). The whole waiting on things like makeup and getting my hair done... that is really difficult. And I cave in, but it's hard when you have a professional job and you can't look like crap at work. Can't wear clothes with holes and stains. What if we got rid of the internet -- that would help, some. I don't think Christian is willing to do that. It might not be a good idea considering we are trying to find a car and a new apartment, so we would be a little behind on this if we had no internet. However, we do have 24/7 access to the Seminary and we could use their internet for a few months until we move.

And we really should move as soon as we can find a place -- it's sort of fun to think about but it's also a little nerve racking. I don't want to get stuck in a place I don't like. I do really enjoy our apartment, so it will be hard to hope for a place just as good. I think we should focus on some key things this place should have. I honestly think the kitchen is our #1 priority... I guess, it just can't look like crap. And...either wood floors or not crappy carpet. We prefer a house....

I know I sound like a broken record with all these worries about finances, but the only way we operate "okay" is if I obsess about it. If I don't, I end up just buying the things I want, because I really want them. Ugh. Why do I want so many things? Or I feel like I do.

What else can I think about anyway-- everything seems to revolve around money and what you have and what you don't have.

I feel so annoyed at myself and the world. Like I've dug this hole in the middle of the woods and I've just decided to camp out there for the rest of my life. Sure it's tempting to want to be a part of the world (relationships and being a productive person) but it's too frustrating and offers no rewards. As you can tell, I am currently on my computer. I have found that I am addicted to it. Not because there is anything I am actually doing, but for absolutely no other reason other than it's an addiction I have. It's like porn. Not many people actually like the addiction, but you just feel the need for it. Ugh I make no sense I know. I feel like I have been wanting to cry for months now and I cannot get myself to cry. I used to cry more, and it felt good; it made me feel alive, and it was cleansing. I cannot express what it is I want or need because I have no idea. Nothing seems to make me happy. I am just living... living and breathing and paying my bills on time. I'm not sure what God is calling me to do, all I know is that my pastor tells me what NOT to do. I have no hard feelings about this, this is just the way it is. I don't know why I'm like this. I forget things all the time. I have nothing to do. I have no structure. I am unorganized. There are many times (when I am not at work) that I just sit and stare and am either literally not thinking of anything, or daydreaming about random stuff from my past. There seems to be nothing ahead of me. Getting out of debt.... moving around.... waiting as long as possible to have children...but I feel like maybe that is my passageway to feeling like I am living again. Should I have children because my life is over and now I just want to watch new young children grow? No one seems to really like to stick around, or, maybe it's just all in my mind. I feel like I cannot identify with anyone. I covet so bad. I don't desire Scripture enough-- it seems so despairingly unrelateable because nothing happens in my life to have a holy or unholy thought. I wish I could get a second job just to have something else to do. I hate coming home and it's like Christian thinks that if he did his 'fair share' of chores that day, he thinks he "did a lot." So most of the time, it just looks so disorganized around here. I mean, I know this comes down on me a lot, which I accept, it's just I don't even see the point in trying to organize it because it will just look shitty again. bonnie doesnt call me. I think I am getting dumber. I can't really read anymore-- is that crazy??? I have to reread things like three times before I understood what I just read. I can't work the TV remotes. I need new and more music. UGHHH. What is the point of life, again??

ughh sometimes guys are such friggin jerks.